Hawthorne, CA — After their latest starship exploded minutes after launch, SpaceX has seamlessly pivoted their business model from space travel to a method of cremation. “We realize the choices for what happens to your body after you die can be overwhelming, but picture if you will: your body is…

Open AI has released ChatGPT-4, the latest version of their revolutionary chat bot, and it has some exciting new capabilities that older versions didn’t. It can take visual inputs and turn them into text outputs, turn a sketch of a web page and turn it into a rudimentary but functioning…

Washington DC — Representative George Santos is looking forward to honoring his African-American heritage throughout Black History Month and using his newfound power and notoriety to bring attention to the challenges facing his people. Santos arrived at the House chamber wearing his hair in cornrows and sat with the Congressional…

Memphis, TN — Tyre Nichols, an unarmed Black man, being beaten to death by five Black police officers rather than racist white ones is a huge indicator of progress according to Black community leaders. “A generation ago, this would’ve surely been a hate crime committed by an all-white police force…

Providence, RI — A local man wearing camouflage to the movie theater has no intention of committing a mass shooting, authorities confirmed. Patrons standing in the lobby of the local Regal were off-put when a man entered wearing camo pants, black combat boots, and sunglasses even though it was nighttime. …

Dallas, TX — Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell met Herschel Walker at his Texas residence where Walker asked McConnell to tell him about the rabbits one more time now that his Senate campaign is over. “Okay. I’ll tell you about the rabbits,” said McConnell. “Why don’t you turn around and…

Arlington, TX — Highly sought-after free agent wide receiver, Odell Beckham Jr., has reportedly chosen the Dallas Cowboys but is unable to join the team because Jerry Jones, the team’s owner, is blocking the entrance. The team’s front office has a contract written up and just needs Beckham Jr. to…

Washington DC — President Biden pardoned two turkeys in keeping with Presidential Thanksgiving tradition. Unfortunately, he did not do his due diligence in vetting these particular birds and pardoned one that was still awaiting trial for its part in the January 6th attack on the Capitol. “Months of preparing for…

Al Khor, QA — Prior to the opening game of the 2022 World Cup between Qatar and Ecuador, the stadium observed 6,500 one-minute moments of silence, one for every migrant construction worker who died while building all the facilities needed for the World Cup. Along with the fans in attendance…