Washington DC — President Biden pardoned two turkeys in keeping with Presidential Thanksgiving tradition. Unfortunately, he did not do his due diligence in vetting these particular birds and pardoned one that was still awaiting trial for its part in the January 6th attack on the Capitol. “Months of preparing for…

Al Khor, QA — Prior to the opening game of the 2022 World Cup between Qatar and Ecuador, the stadium observed 6,500 one-minute moments of silence, one for every migrant construction worker who died while building all the facilities needed for the World Cup. Along with the fans in attendance…

Washington DC — Just hours after the news broke that Republicans have won the House of Representatives, gas prices have dropped to $0.00 per gallon. Inflation also ceased to exist the second that Republicans won the majority-clinching 218th seat. Republican voters were thrilled to hear that they are getting a…

Washington DC — While many Republican voters are thrilled that former President Trump will be running for a third time, Republican leaders including Senate minority leader Mitch McConnell aren’t taking it so well according to an unnamed staffer. McConnell reportedly locked himself in his office, inconsolable. He stared at himself…

San Francisco, CA — Elon Musk is reportedly becoming increasingly concerned about his finances amid Tesla’s stock falling by almost 50% and rumors that advertisers will leave Twitter and is finding areas where he can tighten his belt. The billionaire mogul was recently spotted at McDonalds ordering the water cup…

Dallas, TX — While his opponent Raphael Warnock has been canvassing the Atlanta area to try and get out the vote, Georgia Senate candidate Herschel Walker has rented out the track at a local high school where he’s been doing a self-prescribed regimen of dynamic warmups, hurdles, and sprints. “Ain’t…

Washington DC — Days into CNN’s midterm election coverage, the network continues to pretend that none of the races for House, Senate, and Governor have a clear outcome in order to keep the interest of their viewers. While other networks have been discussing outcomes of individual races and their potential…

Dallas, TX — On the eve of the midterm elections, it has come to light that candidate for a Georgia Senate seat, Herschel Walker, doesn’t know to spell ‘CTE,’ the degenerative brain disorder common among former football players. “CTE isn’t diagnosable until death but we made an exception,” said Dr…

Brooklyn, NY — Nike has terminated their deal with Nets guard Kyrie Irving after he pushed a baby in a stroller into the middle of a highway which has led many to wonder if we even have freedom anymore. “If you want to know who’s in charge, just figure out…