Washington DC — Representative George Santos is looking forward to honoring his African-American heritage throughout Black History Month and using his newfound power and notoriety to bring attention to the challenges facing his people. Santos arrived at the House chamber wearing his hair in cornrows and sat with the Congressional…

Memphis, TN — Tyre Nichols, an unarmed Black man, being beaten to death by five Black police officers rather than racist white ones is a huge indicator of progress according to Black community leaders. “A generation ago, this would’ve surely been a hate crime committed by an all-white police force…

Providence, RI — A local man wearing camouflage to the movie theater has no intention of committing a mass shooting, authorities confirmed. Patrons standing in the lobby of the local Regal were off-put when a man entered wearing camo pants, black combat boots, and sunglasses even though it was nighttime. …

Dallas, TX — Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell met Herschel Walker at his Texas residence where Walker asked McConnell to tell him about the rabbits one more time now that his Senate campaign is over. “Okay. I’ll tell you about the rabbits,” said McConnell. “Why don’t you turn around and…

Arlington, TX — Highly sought-after free agent wide receiver, Odell Beckham Jr., has reportedly chosen the Dallas Cowboys but is unable to join the team because Jerry Jones, the team’s owner, is blocking the entrance. The team’s front office has a contract written up and just needs Beckham Jr. to…

Washington DC — President Biden pardoned two turkeys in keeping with Presidential Thanksgiving tradition. Unfortunately, he did not do his due diligence in vetting these particular birds and pardoned one that was still awaiting trial for its part in the January 6th attack on the Capitol. “Months of preparing for…

Al Khor, QA — Prior to the opening game of the 2022 World Cup between Qatar and Ecuador, the stadium observed 6,500 one-minute moments of silence, one for every migrant construction worker who died while building all the facilities needed for the World Cup. Along with the fans in attendance…

Washington DC — Just hours after the news broke that Republicans have won the House of Representatives, gas prices have dropped to $0.00 per gallon. Inflation also ceased to exist the second that Republicans won the majority-clinching 218th seat. Republican voters were thrilled to hear that they are getting a…

Washington DC — While many Republican voters are thrilled that former President Trump will be running for a third time, Republican leaders including Senate minority leader Mitch McConnell aren’t taking it so well according to an unnamed staffer. McConnell reportedly locked himself in his office, inconsolable. He stared at himself…