“Andrew Yang” by Gage Skidmore is licensed under CC BY-SA 2.0

The race for the Democratic nominee for mayor of New York City is down to Andrew Yang and 16 nameless, faceless candidates who can collectively do little to stop Yang’s inevitable win.

The 16 other candidates not only don’t have a national following like Yang, but also don’t have individual identities or any childhoods that they can remember. Their policy ideas either don’t exist or aren’t worth mentioning.

Yang is currently polling at 52% among New York Democrats while campaigning on universal basic income, and the other candidates are splitting 42% while campaigning on being obstacles for the protagonist, Yang…

“Friends cast at rehearsal” by Alan Light is licensed under CC BY 2.0

Los Angeles, CA — After years of begging from the show’s fans, the main cast members of Friends finally joined together into the six-faced blob monster that they were before the show, all on HBO.

The fleshy, gelatinous mass with organs floating throughout its semi-transparent body went through all the sets from the show and recounted funny on-set stories.

“This is so nice. We haven’t been together like this as one collective consciousness since NBC picked up the pilot and made us in that secret lab,” said a voice that sounded vaguely like Jennifer Anniston.

While the fans were excited…

“12 — Khoza’a” by rafahkid is licensed under CC BY-SA 2.0

Secaucus, NJ — Benjamin Netanyahu, Prime Minister of Israel, ordered a preemptive strike on Constantinou’s Family Restaurant after sitting down for a meal and misreading “hummus” on the menu.

“It said what?” said Netanyahu after the restaurant was reduced to a pile of ash by ground-to-ground missiles.

Insisting that this was a major victory for Israeli intelligence and international cooperation, and not an embarrassing gaffe, the Israeli State Department released a statement claiming that they were just being proactive in the fight against Hamas.

“Terrorist organizations are developing more advanced methods by the day. It is not far-fetched at all…

“Parking Idiot — USPS Mailbox Drive Thru Lakeshore Plaza CA 6BUA854 (Chevy)” by AgentAkit is licensed under CC BY 2.0

With relaxed masking guidelines for vaccinated people, it appears that the COVID-19 pandemic is nearly over, and the World Health Organization can now confirm that all dumb-asses survived.

“We’re excited to report that every toothless mouth-breather who can only read a restaurant menu if it has pictures has survived,” said Tedros Adhanom, director of the WHO, at a press conference.

It’s a statistical anomaly that has baffled scientists, but preliminary data shows that every one of the 600,000 Americans who died from COVID-19 were honest, hard working people of reasonable intelligence.

“Everyone who completely disregarded social distancing and masking guidelines…

“NIAID Vaccine Research Center Lab” by NIAID is licensed under CC BY 2.0

Atlanta, GA — With the rate of vaccinations declining, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention released a series of public service announcements in which they use reverse psychology on those who are skeptical about the vaccines.

“We’re really at the end of our rope here. The fact that it could literally save your life isn’t enough of a motivating factor, so we’re trying to tap into the most powerful human emotion: sticking it to authority figures,” said Rochelle Walensky, CDC Director. “They always do the opposite of what we tell them anyway.”

The PSA’s are mainly targeted at white…

“Race Horse #7” by Mike Boswell is licensed under CC BY 2.0

Los Angeles, CA — Kentucky Derby winner, Medina Spirit, has tested positive for performance enhancing drugs and risks forfeiting the title pending more results. One of many suspicious signs is that leading up to the race, the horse’s max bench press increased from 2,500 to 5,000 pounds.

“That right there is suspicious. I’ve never even seen a horse bench 4,000 pounds,” said gym goer Theodore Austin.

Owner, Bob Baffert, says that the rapid strength gains and washboard abs are simply the result of a work ethic not found in other racehorses.

An unnamed opposing trainer says the horse was obviously…

“GLAAD 2014 — Jennifer Lopez — Casper-67” by DVSROSS is licensed under CC BY 2.0, “All star baseball player Alex Rodriguez” by Rafael Amado Deras is licensed under CC BY 2.0

Los Angeles, CA — Jennifer Lopez has ended her engagement to Alex Rodriguez, a man known mostly for lying to the public for years about his steroid use, because she can’t trust him.

“After four years I realized he wasn’t the man I thought he was. I thought he had outgrown his sociopathic behavior to become just a typical cringey, insecure idiot, but I guess I was wrong,” said Lopez.

The pop star was able to stay blissfully unaware of the person her partner was for four years before remembering that he cheated at baseball so much that he wasn’t…

“Gender Revealing Party” by mastermaq is licensed under CC BY-SA 2.0

Eugene, OR — An expecting couple held a gender reveal party for family and friends that inadvertently plunged all of the planet’s military superpowers into a third world-wide conflict.

Johnny and Anne-Marie Zamora, the couple in question, went all out, rigging thousands of pounds of fireworks to explode either with blue powder for a boy, or pink powder for a girl. The ensuing explosion was so large that Iran mistook it for an act of military aggression.

Iran moved its missiles into launching position in response, prompting the United States to invade the country. …

“Minneapolis Police Department Uniforms” by Tony Webster is licensed under CC BY 2.0

Minneapolis, MN — After being found guilty on all three charges for the murder of George Floyd, former Minneapolis police officer, Derek Chauvin, was escorted out of the courtroom in handcuffs and taken to a prison that looks suspiciously like the Minneapolis Police Department office building.

“Office building? No, that’s our special prison for the most serious of offenders,” said Chief Medaria Arradondo.

A press release from the police department details Chauvin’s living conditions as he awaits sentencing.

“Chauvin is being held in a maximum security cell, equipped with Chauvin’s desk, computer, and personal belongings. …

“J.D. Irving Smoke Stacks” by Tony Webster is licensed under CC BY-SA 2.0

A new TV ad is claiming that climate change is muslim so that Americans will take it seriously as a threat and do whatever they can to aid in the fight against it.

The ad depicts such images as a coal mine reading the Quran, ocean plastics saying “no thank you” when offered a hotdog, and an oil spill visiting the holy site of Mecca.

The ad comes from a British climate change activist group whose goal is to get more Americans to take action to combat climate change.

“America consumes tons of energy and has the ability to influence…

Kyle Qualls

Aspiring comedy writer featured on Points In Case and Funny-ish. He bets you’re not man enough to contact him at kyleaqualls@gmail.com with a job offer.

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store