CNN Pretending No Elections Have Concluded in Order to Maintain Viewership
Washington DC — Days into CNN’s midterm election coverage, the network continues to pretend that none of the races for House, Senate, and Governor have a clear outcome in order to keep the interest of their viewers.
While other networks have been discussing outcomes of individual races and their potential implications, CNN has been teasing a new count of ballots before every commercial break that they never reveal.
John King has gone 96 hours without sleep, standing in front of a screen and drawing circles on a map of the United States that is all gray as his producers have instructed not to fill in any of them either blue or red.
The anchors have occasionally interviewed local election officials but have always ended the interviews before they said anything meaningful.
“John Fetterman already won. The election’s been over for-” said one Pennsylvania election official before her feed was cut.
“TOO CLOSE TO CALL,” yelled Wolf Blitzer, his beard drenched with sweat.
Regular viewers have reportedly become disenchanted with the election coverage and hope that the network will soon return to their usual programming pointless conversations about whether or not Republican Congressmen will work with Biden.
