Kyle Qualls – Medium

Kyle Qualls
in
The Journal Post Times

Mage Hurdles Pile of Dead Horses at Finish Line to Win Kentucky Derby

Louisville, KY — After an unusually dangerous buildup to Derby Day that saw seven horses die, Mage was able to leap over the mound of…

2 min readMay 6, 2023

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Mage Hurdles Pile of Dead Horses at Finish Line to Win Kentucky Derby

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Kyle Qualls
in
The Journal Post Times

SpaceX Rebrands as Crematorium

Hawthorne, CA — After their latest starship exploded minutes after launch, SpaceX has seamlessly pivoted their business model from space…

1 min readApr 20, 2023

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SpaceX Rebrands as Crematorium

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Kyle Qualls
in
The Journal Post Times

ChatGPT-4 Capable of Giving You a Little Kiss

Open AI has released ChatGPT-4, the latest version of their revolutionary chat bot, and it has some exciting new capabilities that older…

2 min readMar 18, 2023

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ChatGPT-4 Capable of Giving You a Little Kiss

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Kyle Qualls
in
The Journal Post Times

George Santos Excited to Celebrate His Heritage During Black History Month

Washington DC — Representative George Santos is looking forward to honoring his African-American heritage throughout Black History Month…

2 min readFeb 1, 2023

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George Santos Excited to Celebrate His Heritage During Black History Month

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Kyle Qualls
in
The Journal Post Times

Unarmed Black Man Being Killed by Black Police Officers is a Sign of Tremendous Progress, Say…

Memphis, TN — Tyre Nichols, an unarmed Black man, being beaten to death by five Black police officers rather than racist white ones is a…

1 min readJan 31, 2023

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Unarmed Black Man Being Killed by Black Police Officers is a Sign of Tremendous Progress, Say…

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Kyle Qualls
in
The Journal Post Times

Man Wearing Camouflage to Movie Theater Not There to Shoot Up the Place

Providence, RI — A local man wearing camouflage to the movie theater has no intention of committing a mass shooting, authorities confirmed.

2 min readDec 19, 2022

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Man Wearing Camouflage to Movie Theater Not There to Shoot Up the Place

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Kyle Qualls
in
The Journal Post Times

Herschel Walker Asks Mitch McConnell to Tell Him About the Rabbits

Dallas, TX — Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell met Herschel Walker at his Texas residence where Walker asked McConnell to tell him…

1 min readDec 13, 2022

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Herschel Walker Asks Mitch McConnell to Tell Him About the Rabbits

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Kyle Qualls
in
The Journal Post Times

Odell Beckham Jr. Trying to Join Cowboys But Can’t Because Jerry Jones is Blocking Entrance

Arlington, TX — Highly sought-after free agent wide receiver, Odell Beckham Jr., has reportedly chosen the Dallas Cowboys but is unable to…

2 min readNov 30, 2022

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Odell Beckham Jr. Trying to Join Cowboys But Can’t Because Jerry Jones is Blocking Entrance

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Kyle Qualls
in
The Journal Post Times

National Security Blunder!

Washington DC — President Biden pardoned two turkeys in keeping with Presidential Thanksgiving tradition. Unfortunately, he did not do his…

2 min readNov 24, 2022

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National Security Blunder!

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Kyle Qualls
in
The Journal Post Times

World Cup Observes 6,500 Moments of Silence for Construction Workers Who Died Building Stadiums

Al Khor, QA — Prior to the opening game of the 2022 World Cup between Qatar and Ecuador, the stadium observed 6,500 one-minute moments of…

2 min readNov 20, 2022

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World Cup Observes 6,500 Moments of Silence for Construction Workers Who Died Building Stadiums

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Kyle Qualls

Kyle Qualls

Aspiring comedy writer featured on Points In Case and Funny-ish. He bets you’re not man enough to contact him at kyleaqualls@gmail.com with a job offer.

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