Eugene, OR — An expecting couple held a gender reveal party for family and friends that inadvertently plunged all of the planet’s military superpowers into a third world-wide conflict.
Johnny and Anne-Marie Zamora, the couple in question, went all out, rigging thousands of pounds of fireworks to explode either with blue powder for a boy, or pink powder for a girl. The ensuing explosion was so large that Iran mistook it for an act of military aggression.
Iran moved its missiles into launching position in response, prompting the United States to invade the country. …
Minneapolis, MN — After being found guilty on all three charges for the murder of George Floyd, former Minneapolis police officer, Derek Chauvin, was escorted out of the courtroom in handcuffs and taken to a prison that looks suspiciously like the Minneapolis Police Department office building.
“Office building? No, that’s our special prison for the most serious of offenders,” said Chief Medaria Arradondo.
A press release from the police department details Chauvin’s living conditions as he awaits sentencing.
“Chauvin is being held in a maximum security cell, equipped with Chauvin’s desk, computer, and personal belongings. …
A new TV ad is claiming that climate change is muslim so that Americans will take it seriously as a threat and do whatever they can to aid in the fight against it.
The ad depicts such images as a coal mine reading the Quran, ocean plastics saying “no thank you” when offered a hotdog, and an oil spill visiting the holy site of Mecca.
The ad comes from a British climate change activist group whose goal is to get more Americans to take action to combat climate change.
“America consumes tons of energy and has the ability to influence…
New York, NY — Following an American League worst 5–10 start, New York Yankees manager, Aaron Boone gave a speech in the clubhouse to try and rally his team.
“Alright, look. We may not be tough, or have a fire in our bellies, or have as much passion for the game as other teams, but we’ve got something that none of them have: a 200-million-dollar payroll. And you know what? I wouldn’t trade that for the world,” said Boone.
The sadness on the players faces turned into determination as they started to believe they could turn this season around.
San Jose, CA — As life seems to be returning to normal and in-person activities are becoming more common, frazzled Zoom executives sifted through a drawer labeled ‘Coronavirus Variants’ for a vial that hadn’t yet been opened.
“Dammit! There’s got to be at least one more! English variant? No. South African? No. Brazilian? No,” said Zoom CEO Eric Yuan, throwing the vials over his shoulder as he read their names.
Yuan’s panic at the prospect of not every single person in the world using his video chatting service quickly turned to anger towards the other Zoom higher-ups.
“You said that…
Minneapolis, MN — After a police officer shot and killed Daunte Wright while thinking she was using a taser, many Americans were surprised to discover that a police force made up mostly of high school dropouts could confuse the two.
“It’s just really disappointing. I’m starting to think that it was a mistake to expect better from people with very little formal education and the bare minimum job training,” said local man, Caiden Glass.
The community has had to face some hard truths about how the Minneapolis Police Department conducts itself, like the fact that they’re trusting people who weren’t…
Minneapolis, MN — The judge presiding over the case of Derek Chauvin, the police officer who killed George Floyd, shouted “Community service!” before sentencing Chauvin to death by electric chair.
“Holy shit! I sentenced him to death,” said the judge, staring at their gavel, after the grim realization of what they’d done.
The court released a statement in which they called the incident an “accidental sentencing” and expressed remorse for the outcome.
“Judges are under extraordinary amounts of pressure and often have to make split-second decisions. …
Hollywood, CA — Actors Rebel Wilson and Melissa McCarthy began fighting to the death upon finding out that they were the last two in contention for the lead role in the newest action comedy.
The role is a private investigator who brings down Miami’s biggest drug syndicate through a series of accidental, physical comedy gaffes.
Passers-by report that Wilson and McCarthy were rolling on the ground in the parking lot of Warner Brothers Studios, pulling each others’ hair and clawing at each other’s eyes. …
Chicago, IL — Former President Barack Obama was reportedly beyond furious when President Joe Biden called to tell him about all of the progressive policies that he has planned for his first term.
Obama clenched his fists so hard that his knuckles turned white as a giddy Biden told him about passing a COVID stimulus package and his plan for a 2-trillion dollar infrastructure bill.
“I was supposed to be the transformative progressive President. ‘Hope’ was MY slogan,” said Obama under his breath.
When Biden informed Obama about his plan to expand access to healthcare and call it “Biden-Care”, Obama…
Pensacola, FL — After it was announced that he was under investigation for sex trafficking, Congressman Matt Gaetz appeared on Tucker Carlson’s show where he volunteered evidence against him and accidentally confessed to a slew of other crimes.
“The New York Times is running a story that I traveled with a 17-year-old woman, and that is verifiably false. You can look at my travel records and see that I’ve been busy flying to and from Colombia, smuggling cocaine into the country,” said Gaetz.
A perplexed Carlson watched as Gaetz continued to strengthen the case against himself, at one point bringing…