Asheville, NC — Recently unveiled security camera footage shows allegedly crippled Republican Congressman Madison Cawthorn walking around. When confronted with the footage, Cawthorn said that he has been faking his disability this whole time and that he stays in a wheelchair to be close to his personal hero, Adolf Hitler.
“Standing only makes me a couple of feet taller, but I can’t bear the thought of being that much farther away from Hitler who is burning in hell right below our feet,” said Cawthorn.
The logo of Cawthorn’s personal real estate company includes Nazi iconography and Cawthorn has visited Hitler’s…
New York, NY — Never forget. Instructions so simple that even a child could follow them. Except apparently not, because many young people born after September 11th, 2001 have already forgotten.
“No, I have no recollection of that day because I was born in 2002,” said local woman, Emily Rainor.
Rainor, the miscreant ungrateful of the fact that she was born in the greatest country on Earth, was most likely too busy spending her parents’ money and pursuing a useless graphic design degree to remember the largest attack on American soil in the last 200 years.
“You misunderstand. I’m well…
Los Angeles, CA — Comedian and actor Norm Macdonald has died from cancer at the age of 61… or so the Germans would have us believe.
Macdonald was born in Quebec, Canada and rose to fame on shows like The Drew Carey Show before becoming a cast member of Saturday Night Live in 1993… or so the Germans would have us believe.
There he hosted the Weekend Update segment and developed a voice for punchy, deadpan delivery and a disdain for that murderer O.J. Simpson… or so the Germans would have us believe.
After leaving SNL he accumulated many TV…
The coronavirus pandemic has led to food insecurity and child hunger across the country, but experts say that this has done wonders for child obesity rates.
“The nation’s children are being starved into the healthiest, fittest generation since their grandparents,” says Xavier Becerra, United States Secretary of Health and Human Services.
The pandemic is accomplishing what countless PSA campaigns and years of nutritional and physical education could not, which is getting Americans to slim down.
“We were experiencing a public health crisis before the pandemic,” said Doctor Jenelle Gentry. “Nearly one in three American children were obese. Now those numbers…
A new report finds that catfish are lying in wait until humankind slips up so bad that they can take over and become the dominant species on Earth.
“Humans have been on top so long that they’ve become complacent. They aren’t watching their backs. They aren’t even wise to the fact that other species are gunning for them,” said catfish.
Catfish say that they’ve spotted chinks in humankind’s armor, and are ready to strike when the moment presents itself.
Although they contemplated putting their plan into action when the pandemic first hit and humankind was arguably at its weakest in…
Kabul, Afghanistan — Taliban leaders have been spotted yawning with dark circles under their eyes as they appear to be weighed down by the bureaucratic hell that comes with ruling a country with an iron fist.
Recently debriefed CIA intelligence indicates that the Taliban are realizing they loved the idea of controlling a barren wasteland much more than they actually love controlling a barren wasteland.
Hibatullah Akhundzada, the highest ranking Taliban leader says that he already yearns for the days when he didn’t have a care in the world and could spend his time hiding in caves and driving through…
The Ku Klux Klan released a statement in which they apologized for the blatant misspelling of “clan” in their name and vowed to correct it, learn from their mistakes, and be better spellers going forward.
“This is frankly embarrassing. While the hoods do impair sight, that is no excuse for not seeing such an obvious spelling mistake,” read the statement.
The organization is launching a nation-wide apology tour targeted at the intersection on the venn diagram of nazis and grammar nazis.
No one is exactly sure how the name’s writer committed a first-grade-level spelling error and how it eluded what…
A recent survey found that millennials spend less money on sex slaves than any previous generation, and the human-trafficking industry is in peril as a result.
The study found that millennials are saddled with higher costs of living than generation X or baby boomers had to deal with in early adulthood, and therefore have less disposable income to spend on luxuries like kidnapped girls.
“Between paying rent and buying food that fits my dietary needs, I barely have any money left over. …
Tokyo, Japan — In the wake of Olympic gymnast Simone Biles dropping out of all individual competitions, distraught NBC executives fielded a JC.. Penney Penny mannequin dressed as Biles, hoping that no one would notice the difference.
Biles, the biggest ratings draw of the entire Olympic Games, dropped out of the team and individual competitions, citing mental health as the cause.
Noah Oppenheim, the President of NBC, was in the middle of running off of the roof of a skyscraper when an unpaid intern reportedly grabbed his collar, yanked him to safety, and said, “There’s another way.”
“We blew our…
Silver Spring, MD — The Discovery Channel announced in a series of social media posts that the inaugural ‘Shark Year’ will begin on the network next month.
“We were really struggling for ideas in the boardroom and I just said ‘Fuck it. Let’s just give them what they want,’” said Jean-Briac Perrette, CEO of the network.
‘Shark Year’ will consist of a year of solely shark-related programming. …