New York, NY — Following an American League worst 5–10 start, New York Yankees manager, Aaron Boone gave a speech in the clubhouse to try and rally his team.
“Alright, look. We may not be tough, or have a fire in our bellies, or have as much passion for the game as other teams, but we’ve got something that none of them have: a 200-million-dollar payroll. And you know what? I wouldn’t trade that for the world,” said Boone.
The sadness on the players faces turned into determination as they started to believe they could turn this season around.
San Jose, CA — As life seems to be returning to normal and in-person activities are becoming more common, frazzled Zoom executives sifted through a drawer labeled ‘Coronavirus Variants’ for a vial that hadn’t yet been opened.
“Dammit! There’s got to be at least one more! English variant? No. South African? No. Brazilian? No,” said Zoom CEO Eric Yuan, throwing the vials over his shoulder as he read their names.
Yuan’s panic at the prospect of not every single person in the world using his video chatting service quickly turned to anger towards the other Zoom higher-ups.
“You said that…
Minneapolis, MN — After a police officer shot and killed Daunte Wright while thinking she was using a taser, many Americans were surprised to discover that a police force made up mostly of high school dropouts could confuse the two.
“It’s just really disappointing. I’m starting to think that it was a mistake to expect better from people with very little formal education and the bare minimum job training,” said local man, Caiden Glass.
The community has had to face some hard truths about how the Minneapolis Police Department conducts itself, like the fact that they’re trusting people who weren’t…
Minneapolis, MN — The judge presiding over the case of Derek Chauvin, the police officer who killed George Floyd, shouted “Community service!” before sentencing Chauvin to death by electric chair.
“Holy shit! I sentenced him to death,” said the judge, staring at their gavel, after the grim realization of what they’d done.
The court released a statement in which they called the incident an “accidental sentencing” and expressed remorse for the outcome.
“Judges are under extraordinary amounts of pressure and often have to make split-second decisions. …
Hollywood, CA — Actors Rebel Wilson and Melissa McCarthy began fighting to the death upon finding out that they were the last two in contention for the lead role in the newest action comedy.
The role is a private investigator who brings down Miami’s biggest drug syndicate through a series of accidental, physical comedy gaffes.
Passers-by report that Wilson and McCarthy were rolling on the ground in the parking lot of Warner Brothers Studios, pulling each others’ hair and clawing at each other’s eyes. …
Chicago, IL — Former President Barack Obama was reportedly beyond furious when President Joe Biden called to tell him about all of the progressive policies that he has planned for his first term.
Obama clenched his fists so hard that his knuckles turned white as a giddy Biden told him about passing a COVID stimulus package and his plan for a 2-trillion dollar infrastructure bill.
“I was supposed to be the transformative progressive President. ‘Hope’ was MY slogan,” said Obama under his breath.
When Biden informed Obama about his plan to expand access to healthcare and call it “Biden-Care”, Obama…
Pensacola, FL — After it was announced that he was under investigation for sex trafficking, Congressman Matt Gaetz appeared on Tucker Carlson’s show where he volunteered evidence against him and accidentally confessed to a slew of other crimes.
“The New York Times is running a story that I traveled with a 17-year-old woman, and that is verifiably false. You can look at my travel records and see that I’ve been busy flying to and from Colombia, smuggling cocaine into the country,” said Gaetz.
A perplexed Carlson watched as Gaetz continued to strengthen the case against himself, at one point bringing…
Atlanta GA — With politicians already looking ahead to 2022, a new poll shows Georgia Republicans firmly ahead among the three people who are still eligible to vote in the state.
The poll was conducted just days after the General Assembly passed legislation restricting mail-in voting, shortening early voting hours, and requiring notarized forms of ID to vote.
Republicans maintain that these provisions are not to suppress the vote although they have decreased the number of eligible voters in the state from over four million to three, all of which are land-owning white males who live on the same street.
Cairo, EG — The Suez Canal took a laxative to help remove a blockage caused by a cargo ship that had run aground.
The massive ship has since refloated after being stuck for nearly a week, stopping all passage through the canal during that time and crippling global trade.
Egyptian government officials say that they noticed passage through the canal becoming irregular and knew they had to act.
“At first we tried waiting it out. Usually when the canal gets blocked it’ll just kind of resolve itself the next day. After six days of not being able to expel products…
New York, NY — Retired womens soccer star, Abby Wambach, has signed a 1-year contract with the Brooklyn Nets of the NBA per her agent.
Wambach joins a growing list of aging stars that have joined the Nets in recent days in the hopes of winning a championship, including Blake Griffin and LaMarcus Aldridge. Wambach was not shy about her ring-chasing intentions.
“I’m not getting any younger. I’m 40 years old and I retired from professional soccer 6 years ago so the window for me to win an NBA championship is closing fast,” said Wambach.
Many have questioned whether a…